By joan the english chick
Part 3: He Only Does It To Annoy

Please read the disclaimer. Additionally, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll is not mine and is used without permission.
Spoilers: None, but this story will probably make more sense if you've seen Season 4 of X-Files, especially "Herrenvolk" and "Musings...."

Scully had decided not to tempt fate that night, and so she was grateful when her best friend called up in desperate need of a last-minute babysitter. An evening with a bright nine-year-old girl was just the thing to exorcise those dreams, Scully thought. She very deliberately didn't give Mulder the phone number.

Jennah was a delightful child, and the two of them had fun playing cards and making spaghetti. When bedtime rolled around, after one attempt to cajole an extra half-hour failed, the girl gave in. She undressed and washed up without complaint, and settled into bed to read.

"Oh, Alice in Wonderland," Scully commented as she tucked Jennah in. "I used to love that book when I was your age." The child's expression clearly said, when were you ever my age? Scully smiled and tried not to take it personally.

"Now, just fifteen minutes of reading and then lights out, okay?" Scully pulled the door mostly shut, turned off the hall light and went downstairs to the living room. She switched on the TV and tried to watch some insipid sitcom, but she kept yawning during the punch lines. Finally she turned the volume down and let her thoughts drift.......

.......she woke with a start when she fell off the sofa and landed on her butt at the bottom of a well. "What on earth...." Scully exclaimed, and looked up. Down a dark hallway she could see a dim Reticulan shape scurrying away, and faintly words reached her ears.

"....late, oh my goodness me...."

Scully climbed slowly to her feet and walked a few steps down the hallway. On a small table she found a bowl of sunflower seeds and a bottle of wine. The bowl was marked "EAT ME." She picked up a seed and put it in her mouth. Suddenly, her belly began to swell. She looked down in surprise and watched as her stomach rounded and grew, so rapidly that she fell down again in surprise. The bottle of wine rolled to the floor and she picked it up.

"You shouldn't drink when you're pregnant. Even with an alien baby," she scolded herself aloud as she opened the bottle and took a swig. Her stomach gave a popping sound and began to deflate.

Scully looked around and found herself in her office at the FBI Building, but she was much larger than the room. Her leg stuck out the window and her body was uncomfortably scrunched. Skinner appeared at the door and demanded, "Agent Scully, report!"

"Um....yes sir," Scully said anxiously. She managed to fold her hands in front of her, and began to recite:

"'You are old, Cancer Man,' the agent said,
'and your lungs have grown very black.
And yet you incessantly kill people dead:
Do you think you are on the right track?'

'In my youth,' Cancer Man replied to the lad,
'I feared I might kill the wrong man.
But now that I'm perfectly sure they're all bad,
Why, I kill them whenever I can!'

'You are old,' said Mulder, 'as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly mean.
Yet you visited Mom while she lay at death's door.
Now, why were you in that scene?'

'In my youth,' said the smoker as he lit up his Bic,
'I kept all my friends very true
By the use of coercion, with many a trick:
Allow me to teach you a few.'

'You are old,' Mulder said, 'and your power too weak
For anything more than a hit man.
Yet you managed Krycek, in a manner unique,
I'm asking you how you did it, man?'

'In my youth,' said the baddie, 'I took to the army,
And handled each case with aplomb.
And the powerful clout, which it laid down before me,
Has put many under my thumb.'

'You are old,' said the man, 'one would hardly believe
That your wit was as sharp as a nail.
Yet you've kept me and Scully both guessing, and we've
Never managed to stay on your trail.'

'I have answered three questions, and that is three more,'
Said the man, 'than I ever supposed I would do.
Now leave me alone, for what I have in store
Will mean nothing but trouble for you!'"

"Wrong!" Skinner exclaimed. "Off with her head!"

"No!" Scully protested, but it was too late. The Lone Gunmen grabbed her arms and shoved her into a chair. Mulder poured her a cup of tea while the Gunmen danced around, singing, "Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down, clean cup, clean cup, move down!"

"What's the difference between a desk and a clock?" Frohike demanded, leering at Scully.

"Um - I don't know," Scully whimpered.

"Wrong! A desk doesn't stop when you're abducted!" All the Gunmen laughed hysterically. Scully jumped up and ran into the woods.

She stumbled into a clearing and found Deep Throat sitting on a huge mushroom. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"One side will make you believe, the other side will make you a skeptic," he said cryptically.

"One side of what? The other side of what?" Scully wondered.

"The conspiracy of course!" Deep Throat yelled. Scully gasped and spun around. Mulder was standing right behind her. She yelped in surprise.

"Oh frabjous day," Mulder said, and smiled his slow grin at Scully. She stared, mesmerized, at his mouth until she realized the rest of him had faded away. She shuddered and turned to run.

"I've often seen Mulder without a smile, but a smile without Mulder?" she muttered to herself as she traipsed through the forest. Mulder's bodiless grin seemed to follow her around. She was just reaching into her pocket for a skeptic piece of the mushroom when she heard the key turning in the lock.

Scully awoke with a start and had enough time to compose herself before her friend finished unlocking and opening the door. She patted her hair, hoping it wasn't too scattered, trying to shake off the weirdness of the dream.

"Hi, Dana," the returning mother greeted her. "How'd it go?"

"Oh, it was fine. She's an angel," Scully said, reaching for her purse. "How was the movie?"

"Beautiful. I just love Tom Cruise. Dana, I can't thank you enough for this."

"It's no problem. I was happy to do it," Scully said. "But I really do have to get to bed. I have an early day."

"Of course. I'll call you next week. We should do lunch."

"Sounds good," Scully agreed, and with a smile she let herself out.

In the car, she reached for her cellphone and pushed the first speed-dial number. It took seven rings before it was picked up.

"Mul'r," a sleepy voice slurred.

"It's me," Scully said. "I just wanted to let you know I've never played croquet."

"Uh?"

"See you in the morning, Mulder."