This badfic was written by Brianna Slade (briannaslade@hotmail.com) and involves the characters of the movie "Velvet Goldmine." The author's explanation of the badfic elements of this story is given at the end of the page. Click here to skip directly to the Notes. Or, click any footnote.
Curt woke up. Brian Slade his beautiful rock star lover3 was alseep beside him. "Brian you are so fucking4 beautiful." Curt thought. "You look like a fucking angel5." And thinking "Oh he should spread those beautiful fairy wings6 for him", he rolled on top of Brian and rubbed his huge erect uncircumsized7 cock that was already leaking pre-cum8 between the creamy white mounds9 of Brian's cute buns10.
Brian woke up suddenly11 pouting12 at being torn from a beautiful dream. Then he realized his wild American rock star lover13 was rubbing his huge erect uncircumsized14 cock against his dewy pink hole15. This was better then any bloody16 dream.
"Oh yes Curt. Fuck me. I really need you to fuck me17. I have waited so long to feel you inside me18." Ever since Brian saw Curt sing the song called TV Eye and drop his black leather pants at that outdoor concert in the south of London a few years ago he fallen instantly in love with him19.
"First I have to kiss that sexy mouth with it's20 full lips21." Curt said purring22 like a wild23 animal24.
"Oh yes, luv,25 " Brian said and rolled his eyes26. There mouths locked together in the sweetest kiss either of them had ever known27. Brian loved how Curt tasted of cigarettes28 and whisky and sweat29. As Curt explored Brian's velvety30 mouth he could taste flowers31 and his own musky juices32 because Brian had already given the other man33 a blow job in the limo34 on the way to the orgy35.
"I can't wait, I have to fuck you now, Brian." Curt growled36 to Brian.
"Yes, Curt I need to feel your cock up my ass37 NOW38." Brian replied.
"Where is the lube39 ?"
"It's in the drawer in the table next to the bed40." Brian explained. Curt roughly turned Brian over and gently massaged lube into his tight hot pink rosebud41. Curt slipped a finger inside Brian's asshole and hissed42 "You are so fucking tight43, Brian."
"Fuck me Curt."
"I don't want to hurt you44, mate45," Curt said thoughtfully, sliding another finger inside and sissoring46 him.
"Hurt me Curt47. Tie me to the bed and fuck me48. I trust you completely49. I really need you to do this. I'm Maxwell Demon, fucking space age super star! I'm always the one running the show, and I want someone else to be in charge for once50 !"
Curt took Brian's leopardskin print silk scarf and unpinned the green emerald pin51 from it, and placed it on the night table next to the bed.
"That is a cool pin, Bri, is it old?52 " Curt asked Brian, as he used the scarf to tie Brian's wrists to the head post of the big four poster antique style bed in their luxerious hotel room53.
"Yes, Brian answered, "it's a very old antique54 and it belonged to the writer55 Oscar Wild56."
"Far out,57 " Curt said, finishing tying Brian to the bed. Curt kissed Brian fiercely and sucked a delicate spot on his throat58. He knew their would be marks there later and people would see them. "Too bad, fuck Jerry and Mandy59 " he didn't care what they thought. Then Curt took one of Brian's delicate rosy nipples into his mouth and bit it really hard60. Brian moaned in exstacy61. Curt plunged his big cock into Brian's willing ass.
"I love you62," Brian gasped at the feeling of being so filled completely by Curt. Curt was fucking him like a wild man63.
"Love you64, luv,65 " Curt managed to say before he came with a short keening66 cry. Brian had come at the same time67 and Curt licked the love juice68 off his chest. They laid there bonelessly69 afterwards and immediately fell asleep70.
Brian was reading The Picture Of Dorian Grey71 by the light of a single candle as not to wake up Curt who was sleeping next to him. Suddenly Curt started to twitch and jerk in his sleep72. He must be having a nightmare, Brain figured out73. Curt was moaning incoherently74 now, curled into the fetal position in a ball75.
"Curt luv, wake up luv,76 " Brian said gently shaking him.77
"Oh," said Curt as he rubbed his eyes and sat up, "Must have been a nightmare77a."
"Yes, I thought you were having a nightmare78. Does that happen often to you79 ?" Brian asked.
"Gee, Bri, ever since the electro-shock treatments my white trash family80 forced on me when I was a teenager I haven't slept very well81. And my body hasn't adjusted to the methadone pills82 yet."
"Curt, I am rich83, I will get you the best doctors84. I will help you fight your demons85."
"Brian," Curt said in a voice husky with emotion, "I guess I have a lot of baggage86."
"Oh let it out luv," Brian said holding Curt as he sobbed against him87. "Curt, luv, I am so proud88 of you for kicking heroin. I will be there for you so you will never feel he need to shoot up again.89 "
"Oh Brian, luv, You are better than any drug90. Sex with you is fantastic91. The best I've ever had92. But it's not just that93, you really understand me94."
"Curt, your the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole bloody life95. I love you. I want to be with you forever96," Brian said embracing the other man97.
"Lets run away! Just you and me!98 "
"OK," Curt said happily at the idea.
"Let's go to a dessert island. We won't even need a passport99."
They got dressed as fast as they could. Brian wore silver lame pants and a sparkly shirt. He had on baby blue glitter eyeshadow and just a touch of pink lip gloss. Curt wore his legendary100 black leather pants and a black leather jacket and a snake skin shirt. And they both wore platform shoes101.
"Wait! I have to touch up my black nail polish102," Curt said.
"Oh let me do it," Brian said lasiviously103, grabbing the bottle of nail polish and kneeling down in front of Curt. Brian painted Curt's nails one by one104. He could feel him get hard under his trousers.
"Don't move, it has to dry," Brian teased as he unzipped Curt's pants and took out his big magnificent cock and grazed it with this teeth105 and then sucked it greedily like a hungry child106.
"You are fucking fantastic Brian, that fucking mouth of yours was born to suck cock," he moaned107. "One day you should blow me on stage to prove how wild and uninhibited our love is108, " Curt said as Brian sucked him deeply, massaging his cock with his throat muscles109. "I'll bet we'll get our picture in The New Musical Express110, mate111," Curt said sexily112 as he came deep in the back of Brian's throat113.
"Mmmmm," Brian said savoring every precious drop114, "I have a song half written that we could do that to115. I'd play it for you on the plane." Brian suggested.
"Far out. Let's get out of here before Jerry finds us116."
"Or Mandy, even," Brian replied remembering that bitchy look she gave him earlier in the day117.
The black guy118 picked them up in the white Rolls Roice to take them to the airport. They drank champagne and ate strawberries in the back seat 119.
"I am so happy120." Curt said. "I never thought that one day I'd have the rich and famous Brian Slade for my boyfriend121."
"And to think I have Curt Wild as my main man122." Brian smiled back.
end
OK, that's it123, send me feedback124. This might be a continuing series if you guys like it125.
###
Weeks and weeks later...
...And they went to the orphanage126 and got two twins127. One had curly blond ringlets and blue eyes like an angel128 and the other had raven black hair and a wild eyes like a wolf129. They named 130 the blond one Mark131 Alexander132 Wild-Slade133 and the dark haired one they named Jude134 Henry135 Slade-Wild136. They all lived together in a mansion in the posh district137 of London.
I have not footnoted the most obvious spelling and punctuation errors. The cumulative effect of so many errors in a single story will reduce your reader to deliberately looking for blunders so she can try out her best MST3K lines on your masterpiece. I admit I have succumbed to this. Sorry.
I'd like to thank my meticulous beta, first for laughing at all my jokes and then for telling me which ones were really funny.
1. While it's natural for VG authors to title their work with Glam Rock song titles and lyrics, some of them should be avoided. Yes, it is a Roxy music song but it is also a cliche.
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2. Badfic hallmark: when you see (1/?) it usually means the author has not really developed the story and will just write until she runs out of ideas.
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3. The reader knows Brian is beautiful, and a rock star, and Curt's lover, tell them something new.
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4.When in doubt as to what Curt might say, the author uses the word 'fucking' as an adjective thinking it will automatically sound like Curt.
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5. The freshness date on comparing Brian to an angel has expired.
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6. Badfic hallmark: Raunchy Curt Wild uses bad romance novel imagery when he imagines reaming Brian's sphincter.
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7. We've *all* seen it, really, just specify soft or erect and we'll imagine the rest.
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8. Badfic hallmark: This is an easy way out of writing the specifics of arousal and foreplay.
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9. Or Almond Joy? Sure to produce Snickers!
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10. Mixing porn/romance novel/modern slang words for body parts in one sentence, let alone one story, is annoying.
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11. Did he wake up suddenly and then pout? Use a comma.
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12. When in doubt, Badfic authors make Brian pout.
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13. *g* To whom, exactly, is the author referring?
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14. Yeah, the real' lightsaber, LOL! Enough already.
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15. If Curt shouldn't use romance novel allusions for Brian's naughty bits, neither should the author.
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16. Using 'bloody' indiscriminately is not a substitute for writing convincing dialogue for Brian.
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17. The author thinks 'need', is more sexy than 'want', but there is an underlying feeling that it's not as 'dirty' because it's therapeutic.
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18. Because it's important to clear up exactly what fucking entails.
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19. Run on sentence telling us stuff we already know.
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20. Its. Unless the author means 'it is', of course.
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21. In case the reader can't remember this prominent facial feature of Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
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22. Curt can purr because it's in character but I don't think you can really purr long sentences with a lot of consonants, or vowel sounds, I forget the rule, but just be careful.
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23. Badfic uses this too often to describe Curt, but it doesn't tell us anything new. Since it's his last name, it's also a cringe worthy-pun.
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24. Ditto for comparing Curt to an animal, the raised by wolves thing doesn't justify the animal metaphors that abound in Badfic.
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25. This is British for 'love'. Because it would be out of character for Brian to call Curt 'honey' or 'sweetie' or 'stud muffin.'
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26. After a witty remark, OK, but not in place of character development.
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27. Badfic hallmark: Raw sex mixed with flowery true love cliches.
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28. So sexy, yum, like licking an ashtray! And he is always described like this!
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29. He has that *special* kind of *yummy* sweat, never nasty old B.O.
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30. Can't go wrong with that word.
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31. Think I'm exaggerating? Even after rimming Curt, Brian's mouth is Mentos Fresh!
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32. Men's juices are musky. Women's juices are spicy. But everyone in this film is bisexual, so you could have a little leeway here.
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33. The author thinks you are getting tired of reading "Curt" "Brian" and "he" and wants to jazz it up. Using the story stopping phrase 'the other man' will only confuse the reader.
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34. The author refers to something that sounds sexy but is not described, making it just a cliche on the rock star lifestyle.
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35. The characters in the film think of this as just another groupie filled party, but VG Badfic uses 'the orgy' as some planned event like 'the prom'.
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36. Growling, see 22 on purring.
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37. In case 18 was too subtle.
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38. ALL CAPS MAKES IT SO HOT!
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39. Lube is a fact of life, find a smoother way to work it into the story. Haha, I crack myself up.
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40. More exposition is wasted on finding the lube than describing the sexual tension, their bodies, positions, level of arousal, etc.
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41. Note to authors: Don't use this word in VG fic, some people might think you are making a reference to Citizen Kane and get really confused.
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42. Hissed, see 22.
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43. Thoughtful complement or stating the obvious?
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44. There is unwarranted concern in VG Badfic over harming the delicate membranes of two very promiscuous rock stars. That little scrubber could easily catch a barge pole!
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45. It's British for 'buddy' or 'pal' or sometimes 'luv'. Brian would say it, but from Curt it sounds like he's making fun of Brian.
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46. The author took this from another story but has no idea what it means.
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47. Suddenly he goes all kinky because the author can't sustain erotic tension or write a convincing sex scene.
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48. Suddenly it's a bondage scene because the author can't sustain erotic tension or write a convincing sex scene.
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49. Badfic hallmark: story stopping verbalizations about 'trust', especially in place of describing complex emotional situations.
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50. Badfic hallmark: Psycho babble: the characters talk as if they've read a lot of self help books or had years of psychotherapy. These characters do not have this kind of insight to themselves.
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51. The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. The place to introduce this object is not in the middle of a supposedly hot sex scene.
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52. Story stopping exposition.
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53. This author knows her luxurious hotel rooms. Notice it is the only description of the setting.
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54. Redundancy.
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55. We know who he is.
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56. Misspelt.
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57. OK, it's canon, but use where appropriate, see 4.
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58. It's really just an old fashioned hickey, they weren't sexy in 1972 and they aren't sexy now.
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59. These characters are only used as obstacles standing in the way of Curt and Brian's true love. The mere mention of their names is supposed to elicit a Boo, Hiss! from the reader.
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60. Ouch! Who thinks this feels good without any action leading up to it? Yet you read it in Badfic all the time.
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61. Cliche. A misspelt one at that.
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62. This author knows there's a button in every gay man's prostrate gland that makes him say "I love you" while he's getting fucked.
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63. Now that's original!
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64. And Curt has to say it back or it doesn't count.
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65. It's bad enough when Brian says it, but the author has Curt saying it too. He's not English!
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66. This is one of those words only used in fanfic and it's overused. Besides, keening means lamenting for the dead.
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67. But of course!
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68. The author's dilemma, doesn't want to use cum and ejaculate is just too clinical and semen sounds like the navy...
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69. Ewww. Sounds like an XF crossover, alien stealing your bones kind of thing, as well as an unintentional double entendre. A Badfic cliche.
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70. Falling asleep after good sex is OK, but this sounds like the author is too exhausted to write a decent ending for this scene.
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71. The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. In making this reference to a known work of literature, Gray is misspelt, negating any points gained for mentioning it in the first place.
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72. Complex inner turmoil shown using unrealistic external action.
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73. But the reader figured it out first!
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74. Is it possible to moan coherently?
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75. Redundancy.
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76. The author is convinced that prefacing every line of dialogue with 'luv' is a substitute for character development, internal monologue or action to show how much Brian cares for Curt.
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77. Faulty punctuation or lack of it leads to vague description of action. Is it "Brian said, gently shaking him" or "Brian said gently, shaking him?"
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77a. Redundancy.
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78. Redundancy!
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79. Badfic hallmark: Dream used as flimsy device to explore psychological issues.
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80. Curt's family may be considered 'white trash' but he would not refer to them that way.
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81. Badfic hallmark: Reducing complex psychological history to simple problem.
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82. Methadone is usually dispensed in orange juice as part of a treatment/recovery program, they don't just hand you some magic pills.
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83. The author has a childish idea of how the characters see themselves. Rich people think of themselves as 'rich' just like white trash people think of themselves as 'white trash'.
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84. Because the success of recovery is based on having 'the best doctors.' A single viewing of Trainspotting should have taught the author something about heroin addiction!
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85. Only the narrator from VH1's "Behind the Music" uses this phrase.
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86. Badfic hallmark: Psycho jargon, characters use terms from self help books to define themselves (inappropriate to the era as well).
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87. Badfic hallmark: Author uses unrealistic crying scene to explore characters' emotions. Crier is always told to 'let it all out' while being held and crying always makes it 'all better.' Of course gay men, being so much more sensitive, cry a lot.
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88. The author makes Brian sound like he's praising a small child's finger painting.
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89. More psycho babble from Brian. Badfic reduces Curt's addiction to ridiculously simple terms.
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90. Badfic always compares sex to drugs.
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91. The author makes the mistake of thinking Ewan McGregor's acting talent in portraying Curt Wild will make her bad dialogue sound plausible.
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92. But of course!
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93. Because being in it just for the sex would make him seem shallow and not very nice.
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94. Character makes sweeping generalization about relationship that is not supported by the story. Brian, a narcissistic character, is portrayed unrealistically sensitive to Curt's deepest psychological needs.
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95. More bad dialogue. Who talks like this?
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96. These guys never have an unspoken thought!
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97. Who, Brian, who?
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98. What about Mandy and Jerry?
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99. The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. In the film, the details about the trip are vague, a perfect chance for the author to get creative, yet in Badfic the specifics are usually implausible while trying hard to be anchored in reality.
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100. Senseless adjective.
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101. More effort and space is given to describing their wardrobe than to developing the plot or characters.
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102. The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. Curt does wear nail polish, but it's against character for him to get precious about it.
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103. Spellcheck!
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104. This is supposed to sound erotic, but how else would you do it.
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105. Ow! Who likes this? Yet it's a staple of Badfic.
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106. Metaphors should not squick the reader.
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107. Worse than moaning incoherently, is moaning long run on sentences full of consonants.
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108. The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. Rather than describing an event from the film in a way we can see it uniquely or savor what we liked about it, the author merely states what happened.
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109. Badfic characters can never have a nice friendly little blow job, it's gotta be a deep throated extravaganza every time. What are 'throat muscles', anyway?
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110. Is he STILL talking?
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111. Curt's not bloody ENGLISH!
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112. Is not a word.
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113. Overall, an unconvincing scene with little erotic feeling. It's obvious that Badfic authors just crib notes on what they think is expected from other slash. The writer never seems to ask herself what she might find erotic.
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114. But of course!
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115. The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. Awkward transition to next scene as well.
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116. Boo, Hiss, and in place of a better ending/transition to the next scene.
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117. Another Boo, Hiss. The author reduces a character to cardboard because he or she is inconveniently in the way and/or the author is incapable of writing the complexities of the relationship.
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118. Yikes! The author tries to incorporate motifs from the film but does it in a heavy handed way. This guy has no name in the film, so give him a name or describe him in a different way.
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119. The author is showing she really knows that luxurious rich lifestyle!
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120. Don't guys just blurt this out all the time?
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121. At least he didn't say 'beyond my wildest dreams.'
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122. Quoting lines from the film can't help the corny and abrupt ending.
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123. The author has literally just finished writing it. By all means bang it out as fast as you can while the bunny is biting, but then edit, edit, edit!
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124. Badfic Hallmark: the motivating factor. Why am I not surprised?
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125. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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126. Badfic authors feel the need to domesticate Curt and Brian and we will get every detail of the happily ever after that mimics heterosexual marriage. China patterns! Cooking! Yes even, the joys of parenthood, always after long psychobabble-filled lectures, during which each tries to convince the other that he would be a good father, defying piles of evidence to the contrary.
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127. Redundancy.
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128. 'Cos he's the Brian one.
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129. And he's the Curt one.
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130. Badfic Hallmark: The names of original characters are always based on the names of actors the author thinks are cute, or the names of the fictional characters they've played.
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131. Ewan McGregor's character in Trainspotting.
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132. Ewan McGregor's character in Shallow Grave.
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133. Because they are a modern kind of couple.
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134. The actor Jude Law.
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135. Jonathan Rhys Meyers' character in The Governess.
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136. Because it's only fair.
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137. The author is trying to impress us with her first hand knowledge of London!
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