Title: The Sandman Cummeth 
Description: It's a hot day on Tatooine, so everybody takes off their clothes. 
Author: Darth J. Landry (darthjl@mindspring.com) 
Fandom: Star Wars 
Setting: Tatooine, some time before ANH takes place 
Pairing: D/W (almost), J/S1
Rating: R for HOT SEX!2

It was a hot day on Tatooine.³ REALLY hot.⁴ Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, if they had sidewalks on Tattoonnie.⁵ The suns shined brightly.

Windy⁶ and his friend Deak, who was the same age as Windy⁷, were driving around in his land speeder and drinking sodas which he⁸ had just bought in Anchorhead.

"Your so lucky to have your own landspeeder⁹!" Said Windy jealously. "I wish I had one. Can I drive?"

"No." Said Deak. "If something bad happens then I will get in trouble for it even if it's your fault."¹⁰

They drove in silence drinking sodas until the landspeeder hit a rock out in the middle of nowhere.

"You should of¹¹ let me drive." Windy said. "Now your going to get in trouble anyway."

"Well I hope your happy" Deak said. "Looks like you get your wish. My landspeader is broken and we're stuck here until-"

"Until when?" Windy asked hotly.¹² "I have a race tomorrow and I was going to buy my own landspeeder with the prize money. And then maybe Bigg's cousin Mary Sue would go out with me!¹³ Now if we're stuck here then I can just forget about that."

"Mary Sue would never go out with you even if you had you're own space ship. Plus she like's Luke and he's going to win the race!¹⁴ Anyway I think she is a skank and her eye's aren't even really violet, she wears contact's!"¹⁵ Deak laughed.

"No she doesn't" Windy said. "Anyway your just jealous because you are not 18 and old enough to have sex like I am!"¹⁶

"I may be younger then you but I've already had sex!" Deak said. "With your mom. She begged me for it too!!" Deak doubled over laughing at his funny joke.¹⁷ Windy was going to retort something mean in reply when just then the radio in Deak's land speeder squalked to life. "Vwekds weoivc saet!" It said in Jawa language. "Hey that's it!" Windy cried. "We can use your radio to call civilization." He said triumpantly.¹⁸ He was no longer mad about their fight about Mary Sue.¹⁹

"No we can't." Deak said crestfallenly.²⁰ "It's broken. It only goes one way!!"

"Then maybe we should climb up on that rock cliff so we can see better if somebody comes along and then they can help us." Windy said.²¹

They climbed up on the rock, being careful to turn off the radio first.²² When they got to the top they were both sweating. "It's a hot day."²³ Deak said.

Windy secretly²⁴ agreed. His mom had made him wear his sun poncho but Windy thought it looked gay,²⁵ plus it was hot²⁶ so he took it off. Deak took his shirt off. He²⁷ wished he had big arm muscles like Deak. Oh well. Windy was still the oldest!

"You should take off you're shirt off too Windy." Deak was taking the cap off of a tube.²⁸ "Look, I brought suntan lotion." Deak said. "That way those two hot suns won't burn us."²⁹ Tattoine was a bisolar planet.³⁰

"Okay" said Windy taking off his shirt. Deak's big hands dug into Windy's tight sholders like he was making meat loaf.³¹ It felt good. Windy used his binoculars to look at the road down below. There was nothing to see.³² The landspeeder just sat there. It looked okay but Windy knew the truth. It was busted. The rock was even knocked over.

Deak's strong fingers worked along Windy's spine. "Does that feel good?" He said. Windy nodded. "Yes, it feels good. Thank's."³³ He was looking at something on the horizon. It looked like shapes moving.

Deak's fingers were working at the base of his spine, partway into Windy's pants. "You should take your pant's off." Deak whispered hoarsely into Windy's ear. His breath seemed warm. Maybe he was getting a cold.

Windy took his pants off and Deak continued to massage Windy's naked body. "You know, I tease you about your inexperience, but I know you have needs."³⁴

Windy stetched his body forward for a better look at those shapes. It looked like short shapes and tall shapes.

"I want you to know that I'm your friend and I'd do anything to make things easier for you," Deak continued. He certainly was getting personal. "Just close your eyes and forget about the landspeeder and where we are." Deak noticed that Windy seemed to stiffen underneath him.³⁵ "What are you thinking about, Windy?"

Windy seemed to be holding his breathe.³⁶ He was excited, all right! "Why don't you turn over, Windy?"

His eyes still fixed on the horizon, Windy got up. "Thanks, Deak. Now it's my turn."

Deak got on his stomach in front of Windy. "That's okay." He thought. "Maybe Windy just wants to take charge." That would be exciting.³⁷

Windy squirted the suntan lotion out of the tube on Deak and spread it around in a few quick wiping strokes of his hand. That was it! Deak was disappointed.³⁸ And a little bit sore. Maybe this was one of those teasing-torture things like he read about in his dad's magazines.

Windy pointed at the shapes. "Look!" He said. "They're coming closer." Deak saw the shapes too. There were tall ones and short ones. Sure enough they were coming closer!³⁹

They noticed that the tall ones were sandpeople and the short ones were jawas. Soon they were looking at the landspeeder. "Wow!" Windy said. "They're in cahoots!"⁴⁰

It certainly looked that way to Deak. The Jawas and the Sand People were drinking there sodas and fiddling with the landspeeder's controls and moving things around under the hood and honking it's horn and laughing.

Then they all took their clothes off!!⁴¹

Windy and Deak stared at them in surprise.⁴² The Jawas were wrinkly and little and the Sand People were tall and pale and had lots of tattoos on. But that wasn't the big surprise.⁴³ The Sand People all had tits and the Jawas all had penises!

"That's neat." Deak remarked. "Do you think they're all the same race?" Windy asked. "Maybe the Jawas are all boys and the Sandpeople are all girls?"⁴⁴

Apparently that was the case because then the sandgirls all bent over and the jawas fucked them.⁴⁵ Then they left!⁴⁶

"Wow." Said Windy.

"Yeah." Said Deak, hurriedly wiping his hand in the sand.⁴⁷ "Let's make sure they didn't take anything."⁴⁸

"Okay."

Deak and Windy hurried down to the lanspeeder. It was okay. What's more, when Windy turned the key, the engine came on!

"Hey!" Said Windy. "It works! I thought you said it was broken!"

"It was." Said Deak. "The Jawas and the Sandpeople must of fixed it."⁴⁹

"Oh well, let's go said Windy" putting his clothes back on. "Maybe Luke will have some new power converters from Toshi Station."

"I thought it was called Tosche station??"⁵⁰ Deak said. They laughed.

THE END

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Notes

1. D/W? J/S?? Huh? What does "almost" mean? Don't you hate when you're new to a fandom and you can't decipher all the cryptic abbreviations yet?
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2. Hot? That must be a reference to the surface temperature of Tatooine.
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3. No shit, a hot day on Tatooine?
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4. DUH???
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5. Irrelevant detail.
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6. Originally, this was going to be a story about Luke and Deak. Hey, at least there'd be ONE character you cared about! But then I remembered that George Lucas REALLY hates fanfic that has Luke in a sexual situation. So I changed Luke to Windy, rendering the story completely devoid of interesting characters.
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7. Deak and Windy are the same age. Oh yeah? See footnote 16.
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8. My personal favorite. Does "which" refer to the landspeeder or the sodas? Does "he" refer to Deak or to Windy?
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9. Don't get too attached to any particular spelling of Tatooine, landspeeder, etc. in this story. The real rule here is that if the spell checker doesn't know your word and you can't figure it out on your own, just pick a spelling and go with it.
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10. Obviously, Deak skipped his Remedial Speech class to be with us today.
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11. Should HAVE. This mistake drives me nuts!
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12. Windy should speak to someone professionally about those mood swings.
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13. Uh-oh! It's Mary Sue! Isn't it amazing how everyone loves her, even when she's not even in the story?
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14. Gratuitous reference to a more popular character. This is supposed to make the reader feel as though this story takes place in the shadow of Great Things. Uh, actually it just highlights how dull the current story is.
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15. It's not nice to make fun of Mary Sue... but it's fun.
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16. Uh... wait a sec. Weren't Deak and Windy the same age? See 7.
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17. Yeah. That's a hysterical funny joke. Fanfic jokes have to be funnier than real jokes, by the way.
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18. If you feel funny having "he said," "she said," etc. every other line, DON'T try to remedy this by throwing in a random adverb after "said." There's no reason for Windy to feel triumphant.
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19. You call that a fight??
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20. See 18.
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21. Thanks for explaining the obscure motive!
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22. Just a flashback to some badfic from my childhood. Nancy Drew always washed her hands before eating!
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23. These guys must be, like, best buds if all they can come up with to talk about is Tatooine weather!
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24. See 18 again. And why "secretly"?
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25. When I was a kid, we would say something was "gay" if it was corny and old-fashioned and uncool. That was just a local thing, though, and you can't always count on everyone knowing the same slang as you do.
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26. Hot? On Tatooine? You don't say!
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27. "He" should refer to Deak because of its placement, but it actually refers to Windy.
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28. They're going to brush their teeth??
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29. We know what the suntan lotion's for, Deak.
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30. We know about the two suns, too. But "bisolar" probably isn't a real word.
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31. Ooh, sexy!
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32. And yet, Windy keeps looking...
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33. Just wanted to call attention to the appalling custom of putting an apostrophe before every "s" just to be on the safe side. "Look Martha, it's another apostrophe! Looks like there's another 's' on the way!"
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34. Deak's tone turns serious... we must be getting to the "mature" material...
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35. Ooh! That tightening in my groin can mean only one thing... I gotta pee!
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36. Abrupt shift to Deak's point of view. Why?
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37. It would, wouldn't it?
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38. Ha! Fooled ya! I faked you out! Readers love it when you think they're gonna see some hot sex and then nothing happens.
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39. Redundant.
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40. Cahoots? What decade is this?? Anyway, don't Sand People eat Jawas?
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41. Tease me a little, okay? At least tell me what kind of underwear the Sand People wear?
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42. Redundant and dull. Of course they're surprised. What do they do about it? If one of them suddenly exploded, or started singing, that would be worth mentioning.
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43. We were waiting for a surprise?
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44. What gave it away? The penises or the breasts?
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45. Well, what do you think? Was it worth waiting for?
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46. Gee, they didn't even put their clothes back on!
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47. Mommy, what's that stuff on Deak's hand?
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48. We didn't *see* them take anything... you might want to get new toothbrushes, though. You know that story about the honeymooning couple? Never mind.
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49. Wait a second... we're winding down the story, and we have NO idea what the Jawas and the Sand People were doing here. If the speeder wasn't broken, why didn't they steal it? If it was broken and they didn't fix it, then how was Windy able to start the engine? And if it was broken and they DID fix it, why didn't they steal it? So, hey, wait, was this whole thing a ruse for Deak to get Windy alone?
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50. This type of joke does not work well in dialog. Actually, it doesn't work well anywhere...
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