Buffy, Willow, and Giles were in the library studying. "According to my research something very evil will happen tonight" Giles announced. "but I do not know what, so we must do more research.1 Wear are Xander and cordelia?"
"I think there in the broom closet making out," Said Willow. 2
"Well go and tell them to stop it and come help with the research." Giles said this because he was secretly in love with Cordelia even though no one knew. 3 She was exactly like Miss Calender4 in every way, except for not being a grownup or good with computers or a witch or dead. When Giles thought about Xander putting his horny teenage hands on Cordelia's body it made him really mad. Also, he was very jealous of Xander. 5
"Okay," said Willow and she left. Pretty soon she came back with xander and Cordelia and they all started reading the books6 when suddenly their was a loud noise from outside.7
"What was that?" Asked Xander. "It sounded like a loud noise coming from outside." 8
Buffy didn't know. "I don't know," said Buffy. 9 "I will go and check. You guys stay here." So she went to check but she did not see anything. "I did not see anything," she said when she got back to the library. 10
"Well lets keep reading the books and see if we find anything evil," Said Giles. So they all kept reading the books for a few more hours until it was late and they all went home.11 Giles was very sad that Cordelia went to drive Xander home.
Buffy walked out of the high school and suddenly she saw Angel standing next to her. "Angel, what are you doing here, your evil," she said pulling a stake out of her sleeve. She knew that she might have to kill him even thuogh she was in love with him. That made her feel sad.12
"No I am not," said Angel. "I am good again and I love you Buffy. He pulled her into the graveyard and kissed her."
"But Angel how can you be good? You do not have a soul," Said Buffy. She was confused. "I am confused," she said. 13
"I don't know," said Angel. "I woke up this morning and I was not evil any more." 14 He kissed Buffy and put his hands on her big soft breasts. 15 Suddenly Buffy was very horny.
"Angel, I am very horny, please kiss me again and keep touching my big breasts," she said. 16
Angel kissed her again and took off his pants.17 He had the biggest erection Buffy had ever seen.18 Maybe that was because it was the only one she had ever seen. Suddenly Buffy was overcome with lust19 and she got down on the ground and started sucking Angel's cock. She was very good at it,20 even though she had never done it before and in fact had never had sex before except for that one time when Angel turned evil. But now he was not evil any more and Buffy was very happy to suck his cock in the graveyard.
"Oh Buffy I love you," said Angel and put Buffy down on the ground and put his cock inside her wet tunnel. 21 Buffy moaned with ecsticy and wiggled around on the ground not noticing that she was getting graveyard dirt all over her new blouse.22
Meanwhile Giles was still in the library looking at alot of books when Cordelia came in. "Oh Cordelia, I thought you went to take Xander home," Said Giles, although he was happy to see her because he was secretly in love with her.23
"I did but I came back to see you because I am secretly in love with you,"24 said cordelia shyly. She knew that Giles was the sexiest teacher at the school and exactly the kind of man she wanted, even though he was not athletic or popular or rich.25 She began to take her cloths off.26
"But you cannot be in love with me, you love Xander," said Giles sadly, noticing that Cordelia was totally naked. "Why are you taking off youre clothes? Are you feeling alright?"27
"I feel fine but I want to have sex with you right now," said Cordelia firmly as she kissed Giles on the mouth.28 He was surprised when she took his hand and put it on her breast. Slowly Giles began to kiss her too and then he kissed her all over, even on her breasts.29 Cordelia felt very happy because she was in love with Giles.
Meanwhile in the graveyard Buffy and Angel had finished having sex and they were talking about the future. "Now that you are not evil any more we can have babies and live together happily," said Buffy happily. 30
"Yes," said Angel, "but first we must go to the castle and kill spike and Drusilla because they are evil and its all my fault."
"Okay, but first lets have sex again, I am very horny," said Buffy.31 Suddenly a big monster jumped out and growled at them. 32 Buffy screamed.
"Don't worry Buffy, I will kill it!" said Angel and he jumped up and killed the monster. 33 Buffy was very happy and proud of her not-evil boyfriend.
"Angel you did it, you killed the evil thing that Giles was telling us about. I love you so much," said Buffy. "Please let me suck you're cock again."34
"Okay, but first I want to kiss you," said Angel so he kissed her and then they had sex again on top of the monster's dead body.35
Meanwhile in the library Giles and cordelia had just finished having sex36 when suddenly willow and Xander came running in.37
"We saw the evil monster, it attacked Buffy but Angel killed it," said Willow.38 "Why are you naked?" Said Xander.39
"No reason," said Giles, putting his clothes back on. "Angel killed the monster? Are you sure?"
"Yes, and Angel is not evil any more so he and Buffy can get married and live happily ever after," said Willow. She noticed that Giles and Cordelia were smiling at each other. "Why are you to smiling at each other?" She asked.
"Cordelia and me are getting married to," Said Giles happily. "Because we are in love."40
"That makes me very sad," said Zander sadly. "I will miss making out with Cordelia in the broom closet."41
"I will make out with you in the broom closet," Said Willow. Xander was surprised but happy because he was secretly in love with Willow.42
"But Willow what about Oz?" He asked.
"I broke up with Oz yesterday,43 because I am secretly in love with you,"44 Willow said and pulled him into the broom closet and took off her cloths. "I want to kiss you Xander."
"I want to kiss you Willow," Xander said and took off his clothes.
The next day they had a big wedding. Giles married Cordelia, Xander married Willow, Angel married Buffy, 45 and Spike married Drusilla because they had both become good and not evil any more even though no one knew how.46 And they all lived happily ever after.47
THE END
Notes
I didn't bother to footnote all the grammatical and punctuation errors in here. They are all deliberate. Also, there are character names not capitalized or misspelled, words misspelled, and so forth.
1. In much bad Buffy fanfic, they're fighting some mysterious evil that the author doesn't bother to describe or explain.
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2. This is actually more of a "Buffy" tv show cliche than a fanfic cliche, but the fanfic took the Xander-Cordelia making out in the broom closet thing to new levels of cliche.
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3. Someone is always secretly in love with someone else, usually someone that they never even look at on the show.
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4. BadFic authors often compare two characters who are really nothing alike.
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5. Redundancy, or stating the obvious.
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6. A whole lot of action described in a single sentence.
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7. An event is given with no descriptors. (What kind of loud noise?)
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8. Describing an event, and then having a character say the exact same thing. This is extremely common in BadFic.
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9. See previous note.
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10. See previous note.
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11. Again, describing a lot of action in a single sentence.
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12. Summing up a very complex emotional/psychological situation with a single adjective.
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13. Again, having a character state what was just shown in narrative.
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14. Conveniently changing a MAJOR plot point of the show, without adequate explanation.
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15. Buffy has big soft breasts? Excuse me? Have you looked at Sarah Michelle Gellar lately?
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16. No one talks like that! Especially not Buffy, who at this point in the series has only ever had sex once and it was a disaster.
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17. Many badfic authors seem never to have heard of the concept of foreplay.
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18. All men in fanfic have huge dicks.
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19. The mere sight of a large penis makes a girl lose all her inhibitions.
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20. A girl who has never performed fellatio is somehow incredibly good at it.
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21. The sex act doesn't get any description. He just sticks it in her. How romantic.
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22. A character who's normally very concerned about her appearance and reputation suddenly loses all her inhibitions.
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23. We have to be reminded who's secretly in love with whom, because we readers are so stupid we might forget.
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24. The object of Person A's secret love, Person B, secretly feels the same way about Person A.
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25. Person B secretly feels the same way... even though Person A isn't anything like the type that Person B usually goes for on the show.
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26. A declaration of love is immediately followed by the removal of clothes, without waiting to see whether the love is reciprocated.
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27. A man is really slow to catch on to a woman's intent when she takes her clothes off.
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28. Characters are much less sexually inhibited than they are on the show.
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29. This whole paragraph is basically a spoof of how someone writes when they're too embarrassed or too inexperienced to write a really explicit sex scene.
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30. Extremely complicated situations boiled down into one sicky-sweet declaration of love.
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31. No one talks like this! Especially Buffy!
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32. The monster is not described, and it appears at the most convenient moment.
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33. The monster is extremely easy to kill.
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34. No one talks like this! Especially Buffy!
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35. Ew!
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36. The author exhausted his/her limited repertoire of sex talk already, so now you just have to imagine it.
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37. Changes of scene always happen "suddenly."
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38. The central plot point is resolved in a single sentence.
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39. Failure to start a new paragraph when a new character starts talking.
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40. They have sex once and suddenly they're getting married!
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41. No one talks like this.
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42. More secret loves!
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43. Characters' on-air love interests are conveniently dismissed.
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44. Still more secret loves!
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45. Another hallmark of really bad BadFic: everyone gets neatly paired off and married at the end.
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46. Once again, conveniently changing a MAJOR plot point of the show, without adequate explanation.
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47. Of COURSE they lived happily ever after. How else?
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